Your partner is supposed to be your safe space

I got married (for the first time) at the "ripe" age of 24 years old. I have since reflected on that decision with greater wisdom, as now my brain is fully developed (which doesn't happen until you're 25 years old).

It's a lovestory... baby just say yes?

Twenty-four year old me wanted belonging. She wanted a family. She wanted safety. And even though she had seen the red flags:

*negative comments about my body

*dismissing/minimizing my feelings

*daily communication breakdowns

*and even getting sick enough to vomit the night before the wedding... a moment that, in hindsight, felt like my body was trying to tell me something...

She walked down the aisle and happily said "I do."

It was a beautiful wedding. It felt like a fairytale.

It felt like I was being rescued from my trauma by a seemingly good, Christian man.

Fast-forward six months to our delayed honeymoon where we were arguing in our suite and I told him I wanted a divorce. Needless to say, for too many reasons to disclose here, we didn't divorce until 7 years later.

I distinctly remember one conversation with friends that changed everything for me. As we talked about our marriages, I casually said, "Marriage is hard," as though it were an unquestionable fact.

That phrase, "marriage is hard," had been drilled into my head by my then-husband, his entire family, my own lack of experience of seeing a healthy family, and even therapists who I'm sure meant well and were just reflecting our own sentiments back to us. The statement was something I didn't question, just assumed was the case for all couples.

"All couples fight," "Marriage is hard," "Relationships take work," and the like.

One of my friends, just reflecting on my statement "marriage is hard," said, "Does everyone else feel that way? Maybe I'm just lucky... but I feel like my marriage is not hard at all. It's one of the best parts of my life."

He didn't realize it, but he completely shattered my reality. For six years, I'd been living with a constant tension between what I thought marriage was from my own experience and what I wanted marriage to be. I assumed marriage was hard- for everyone, therefore I subconsciously looked for evidence that proved my assumption.

What if marriage doesn't have to be hard?

And more importantly, if marriage doesn't have to be hard, why does mine feel like pushing a boulder up a hill? It was the first time I'd ever considered that what I had accepted as "normal" might actually be a sign that something wasn't right.

After much soul searching, personal development and individual clinical therapy, I was able to answer those questions- which I may explore in another post at some point down the road.

But I want you to know- that if anyone has told you to stay married because "marriage is hard," and "relationships take work," ...I used to think that, too. But now, I no longer believe that a healthy marriage should feel like constant struggle. Marriage does take work... but not in a soul-crushing way.

Looking back, I can see how my history of trauma shaped what I believed love was supposed to feel like. Compared to the dysfunction I grew up with, parts of my marriage actually felt healthier. That made it much harder to recognize that "better than before" wasn't the same thing as healthy.

But now, I understand so much more than I did back then.

When you're in a healthy marriage, there is room for disagreement... and also respect for your partner's perspective.

People in healthy marriages experience conflict... but repair follows and trust is re-established.

People in healthy marriages take responsibility for their own part... rather than shifting the blame to the other person.

And the most important thing I've learned-- now having been happily married for almost six years... is that marriage is my safe place... a refuge from the chaos.

Brandy Murray, LCSW and her partner, Evan Murray: happily married since 2020

My marriage is no longer the source of the chaos.

It's my safe place. It's where I return when the world feels heavy. It doesn't make life's challenges magically disappear, but my partner helps me carry the burdens. We help each other weather life's hardest seasons. My relationship no longer drains me... it restores me.

If your relationship consistently leaves you feeling smaller, lonelier, or less like yourself, don't let someone convince you that's simply what marriage is supposed to feel like. Healthy relationships require effort, but they shouldn't require you to abandon yourself.

Your partner is supposed to be your safe space... not another battle in life.

If you've spent years wondering whether your relationship is "normal" or simply surviving because you were taught that's what love looks like, you're not alone. Sometimes it takes questioning the stories we've always believed in order to find true freedom.

Need more help? Consider searching "divorce therapist near me," or reach out to a trusted mental health professional for referrals.