Was It Really That Bad? How Trauma Affects Us All

You may hear the term “trauma therapy” and assume your experiences don’t count.

But what if I told you that trauma doesn't have a "type." Early childhood experiences can register as traumatic even when someone else may have experienced something similar and not had the same response.

We're going to explore this together and this will give you permission to evaluate your experiences with a trauma-informed lens. And if at the end, you feel you have experienced trauma, or if you feel that's not the case for you, you will be able to validate your own feelings without judgment. This practice can help you gain greater self-compassion and empowerment to make the best choices for yourself with this clearer understanding.

Isn't trauma what active duty military members experience?

Well, first- trauma doesn't have to be one severe event, although it absolutely can be. Think of trauma as an umbrella term (see below). On one side of the umbrella, you have "Big T" and on the other side, you have "Little T." Big T traumas are the ones that typically come to mind when we discuss this topic... you may think about war veterans who have PTSD, or you may consider a major natural disaster or exposure to a terrorist act and identify those incidents as trauma very easily.

Now, don't let the name "Little T" fool you into thinking that these experiences aren't as severe. Although Little T traumas don't get as much attention by media, our brains can be impacted in similar ways. Examples of these types of experiences would be: being bullied in grade school, neglected by caregivers, failing to reach a meaningful goal, and many more. The thing about Little T traumas is they tend to be common experiences, but with repeated exposure and when left untreated (aka complex trauma), they can add up to similar nervous system responses to those seen after major traumatic events like natural disasters.

Any experience that overwhelms your ability to cope and impacts your emotional or physical well-being can be traumatic. No matter how big or small, our brains have the same protective wiring- and when an experience registers as trauma- the brain reacts the same: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. So no matter what the event, one big, multiple small... or even just one small... what feels overwhelming to you and affects your well-being is traumatic, regardless of what other people may say or think.

But was it really that bad?

Our society often values "being strong," and honestly... it also values suppressing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings which leads us to doubt our own experiences of our reality. You may also find yourself in a comparison game- noticing that others have “had it worse” and deciding your pain doesn’t count. You may also not want to wear the "PTSD" label loud and proud, fearing you'll come off as a victim, so you try not to make it a big deal. You may even believe you're exaggerating and to blame for your own suffering.

But the thing is- you are the only one who has walked in your shoes. Your reality... your feelings... the way you experience events... are always valid. It is not the job of someone else to determine whether or not you're allowed to feel overwhelmed by the things you've gone through. You are allowed to feel what you feel.

Ok so how do I know if my experiences were "traumatic?"

I would ask you to think about how those experiences impact you today. It may not be super obvious, because trauma becomes embedded in our brains, but what feelings are predominant for you day to day? Anxiety? Sadness? Numbness? If you experience persistent negative emotions that interfere with your day, making it difficult to find sustained peace, it may suggest unresolved or unprocessed experiences connected to trauma.

Then we may explore physical symptoms... like headaches, fatigue, or sudden pain. Trauma starts in the brain, but the body can hold stress responses connected to those memories. Sometimes trauma can manifest in these physical symptoms as well.

I may also ask you more about your relationships. Do you experience secure relationship dynamics? Or do you struggle with conflict or isolation? Maybe you find it hard to trust people. Maybe you find it hard to connect with people.

And finally... we might explore how you cope with negativity. Oftentimes, your coping system may be trying to protect you but it's hurting you unintentionally. If you have relational trauma, you may withdraw from others or have emotional outbursts. If you grew up feeling like you were never good enough or not safe, you may turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to escape.

You don't have to have all of these symptoms at once to qualify your own experience as "traumatic," but looking at how trauma manifests can provide insight and help you to identify how your trauma shows up in your day to day life.

What's the point of this label?

Validating your experience fuels healing. When you acknowledge that your pain really was that bad, it can promote self-compassion. You have trauma... but you are not your trauma. When you are able to separate your identity from your experiences, it becomes easier to seek help and grow. Dismissing your trauma can make healing much harder. And healing doesn't necessarily mean you don't remember the pain... or feel sadness upon reflection... it just means that you don't let the trauma dictate your life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... and what happened to you still sucks. Naming that truth is the first step toward empowerment.

So what can I do to move past this?

Start with what is in your control. Naming it is always the first step. It will likely take intentional effort to process what happened and why. And true peace comes from finding meaning in the experiences... even though it felt awful to live through them.

Some ways to start your healing journey:

Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness means focusing inward- observing your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations with without judgment. Get curious about what you notice. You may have a natural tendency to try to fix it or change it... but being mindful is simply observing what's going on inside of you without giving it a "good" or "bad" label, becoming aware of what's there and exploring your thoughts about it. This can be done through journaling, meditating, breathwork, yoga... but it doesn't always have to look that way. Mindfulness can be tailored to you and what you need in the moment.

Affirm that your experiences are legitimate regardless of what other people may say or think.

No one else has lived your life... only you have. No one else gets to decide whether your experiences count. The fact that you are researching this topic is all the evidence you need to support your own experiences being legitimate enough.

Practice gentle self-reflection about your feelings and memories.

Treat yourself the way you would treat a dear friend or family member who is going through something similar. What would your self-talk sound like? What would you want to know more about?

Seek support from trusted friends, support groups, or professionals.

It takes great courage to reach out for help. If you were struggling to breathe, would you go to the doctor for tests, or would you sit at home and hope it's nothing serious? Just like it is normal and expected that you would check physical symptoms with a doctor, emotional symptoms are important to pay attention to and seek out support to feel better.

Educate yourself about the diverse forms trauma takes.

You may look like you have it altogether on the outside, but on the inside you're struggling. Trauma shows up differently for different people, and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason for it.

And just remember...

Show yourself compassion. Be patient with yourself because this stuff is not easy. You've been through hell and back- you're strong and you're human. Some days are going to be easier than others, but no matter what, every step toward self-validation strengthens your well-being.